Fire by Night (Bawitdaba edition)

Call the number on your screen and have your credit card ready.

I'm old enough to remember Fire by Night, the mulleted 80s evangelical answer to SNL that warned us of the dangers of rock music.

I'm old enough to remember Bob Larson and his radio show, relentlessly promoting the alleged rock-music-to-satanism pipeline. Limbaugh for people who wished Rushie would talk about god more.

I'm old enough to remember the Hell's Bell's documentary on regular rotation at youth group get-togethers.

I'm old enough to remember our "secular" cassette tapes getting taken away by the church elders in these get-togethers (even if it was Stryper).

I'm old enough to remember Chick tracts available (for free!) in the church vestibule next to the nursery.

I'm old enough to remember street preachers in Memphis admonishing me and my band for playing what they called the evil "Africa triplicate sex beat."

I'm old enough to remember Knights in Satan's Service, We Are Satan's People, and After Christ, Devil Comes.

I'm old enough to remember the urban legends (from church, of course) of Ozzy Osbourne passing around a chalice for entourage members to spit, piss, and puke in so he could drink it before every show.

I'm old enough to remember Metal Edge magazine and the preacher who unfurled a centerfold of Motley Crüe in their black leather days, telling a whole front row of us kids we'd cut our mommy and daddys' heads off in the middle of the night if we listened to them.

I'm old enough to remember Mike Warnke, the discredited Christian comedian who built his whole clean comedy empire on a lil' fib that he was a rockin-and-rollin Satanic high priest who ate bite-sized chunks human hearts with fava beans.

I'm old enough to remember the craziest, most depraved shit coming from the inside evangelical bubble to describe the outside world, and learning that none of it was real when I finally detached from it all.

So color me shocked when this clown shows up on the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

I understand now.

You guys weren’t serious.

You never were.

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What I’m reading: Fruiting Bodies (Steve Miller)

What I'm listening to: Obsession Destruction (Chained to the Bottom of the Ocean)

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